Date posted: March 23, 2007 - Friday
Title: Being "Between Careers"
Current mood: nervous, scared and contemplative
There are a couple of reasons I am writing this.
First, because I need to exorcise my own demons regarding something I have gone through before and now face again. I don't want to make the mistakes I have in the past and I need to remind myself of the pitfalls that lie ahead.
Second, it is a kind of public service. A service because it explains to others what happens to someone who is unemployed through no fault of his own.
And while it's never a good idea, I need to start this off with an apology. This is going to be from a very personal perspective. The things I will relate may apply only to me, but I tend to think the overall feelings are universal to the situation. Please note also a lot of what I say may seem like whining. I don't mean it to be whining and I am not trying to elicit sympathy, I just want to present the full picture of what can happen and what it does to your mind, your emotions and your life.
There have been several periods of my life where I have been unemployed. For the most part this has not been my choice.
I was a causality of cost overruns at a newspaper when they bought a new press. I was a victim of corporate downsizing when the aerospace industry was going through tough times. And now I have been made redundant, as the British say, by a corporate buyout.
In these situations there were never any complaints about the quality of my efforts or the volume of my work. And, yes, I have been fired from a job because they weren't happy with my work. But which ever way it happens, there are certain things that follow the actual termination of the job.
There is, of course, the shock your life can change so drastically in only a moment. Out of the blue all the plans you have for what was to come at work are knocked into a cocked hat. The stack of un-filed papers on your desk will remain un-filed and whatever benefit they may have been if retained will never be realized. That project you always wanted to do, but couldn't find the time for will remain forever undone. And these things matter to you because you wanted to make your contribution; add your brick to the wall.
Then there is the fear. What will happen without that paycheck which comes every week, or every two weeks? How long will you be able to pay your bills? Can whatever severance you got or whatever savings you have last until you can find another job? How long will it take you to find another job, or will you ever be able to find another job? If you find another job will it pay as much as the last one? As much as you need? What happens if there is an unexpected expense?
After the initial panic comes the change in routine. You don't have to get up every morning and perform the morning ritual. Wake at a specified time, shower, dress and drive to work. Without the expectations of a boss, the commitment to a set schedule expires. Even with the best intentions to maintain a schedule things start to slip. While you used to have to be up by 7 a.m. to perform your morning ablutions, now you sleep till 8, or 8:30 or even later because you lose the discipline of going to bed at an early hour.
When the routine falls apart, the guilt sets in. You find yourself in your pajamas at 10 in the morning and you feel ashamed. Why weren't you up earlier? Why haven't you done something productive? Did you send out enough applications or resumes? Why aren't you doing more? And if you do things around the house that have needed doing you think you have wasted your time because the effort wasn't put in to finding another job. You can't enjoy the time you have off from the old routine of work because you wonder if it will ever end and you will have the security of a steady job again.
And the fear builds as well. Why aren't you getting any responses to the applications you sent out? Is your resume strong enough to attract a new employer?
Being at home constantly creates the problem of isolation. You don't have contact with other people. All those people you worked with every day aren't there any longer. Oh, they are at their jobs, but they aren't available for the social contact you had when you were a part of the office staff. If you make contact with them they are polite and may talk for a while, but they have their jobs to do and can't spend time because you feel isolated and out of contact with humanity. You realize this and you have to hold yourself back from bothering them.
And you can't just go out and mingle in the world for social contact because you are paranoid about money. So you don't go out for lunch just to be around people because that is a few dollars you will need down the road to pay a bill or pay for a prescription or in case there is an unexpected expense.
The isolation is exacerbated because the people you do know or have worked with don't reach out to make or maintain contact with you. They may not know what to say beyond being sorry for your loss of employment and they have their own work and lives and, in a way, you are no longer part of their world. And while it is not true, you start to question whether or not you ever really had any friends who cared about you. The loss of contact preys on your mind and on your view of reality. And every day that goes by adds a little more to your worry and your paranoia and your isolation from the "normal" world.
It is a vicious cycle, each circumstance feeding the next. And it is something you have to fight every minute. You have to try and maintain a positive attitude in the face of negative feedback -- or no feedback at all. You have to allow yourself the time to do the things that need to be done without the panic setting in; or the guilt.
